are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize