i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
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