Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
