I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
