Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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