if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
