It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
