uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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