Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
