you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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