Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
