Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
