Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
