i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
