Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
