I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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