I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
