Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
