I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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