when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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