He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
