I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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