i permit you to call me
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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