Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Randomize
