Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
