I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
