Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish ðŸ€
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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