just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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