I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
