It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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