There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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