those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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