im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
