Why does Corona taste like a burp?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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