Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
