i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
