so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
