I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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