Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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