The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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