dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
But break dance skills will only take you so far
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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