my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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