Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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