remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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