Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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