Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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