Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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