Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
