well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
