Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize