just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
