First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Swine flu is the new snow day.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
