just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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