All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
