Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
