Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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