theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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