I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
