K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I cut my penus on the lid.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize