My liver just broke up with me...
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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