Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
