R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
