dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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