kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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