I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
