i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
