Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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