Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
