i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
