I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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