I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
