I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
