I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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