Please, let me fuck your mom
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
