it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
