Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
