Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You had me at "let me see your balls"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
